Child of Hiraeth

I am a child of hiraeth,

Of equinoxes,

Of things that no longer are,

And no longer will be,

A being floating in space, existing in the folds of transition and transformation.

I am a bringer of light in peoples’ lives,

Coaxing and drawing out their hidden strengths,

Reminding them of golden times, better times, and

Clearing away the darkness of apprehension for their futures,

But the shadows of parental abuse, years-long attacks on my psyche,

Betrayal of sacred love, have muted my radiance.

I’ve had to flee from the spiteful searing sun,

Flee from constant wrath and screaming pseudo paragons,

And shelter in the quiescent moonbeams of night,

In the quiet contemplations behind my bedroom window,

Observing the moon, bathed in peace and silence,

Let their glow heal the burns, and suffuse me with duskier effulgence,

Channeling a softer tranquility into the darkness; a darkness with no screams, no blows.

I am a creature dancing in the ephemeral epoch of spring,

When nature is reborn, and the lustre and life of the world

Emerges from its cocoon, wresting itself

From the deadened grasp of winter,

Still numb from the cold’s all-consuming grasp,

When despair at long nights twine with hope for longer days.

I dance in the frail fiefdom of fall,

When summer sighs and bows down, letting its verdant sheen    

Molt into the colorful array of leaves and burnt, dying

Shades of brown in bark, earth, and hearts.

A cold twinge piques the air, spirits adjusting for harder months,

Less sun, less outright joy, when hope for better days twine with longer nights.

I feel at home in those seasons, in their in-between natures.

After a lifetime of having to mask the obvious emotions known to mankind,

I have learned to mute them,

And I live in the sacred, discreet spaces in my mind,

Cathedral-like trees of imposing green and vitality,

Shivering with the emotions I let loose to them and only them.

Emotions lived in earnest in my imagination,

Playing out on my face, so softly, as shadows,

Diluted manifestations of sadness, anger, happiness, fear, disgust, surprise,

Expressed as neutral quiet conversations when I do speak.

I am a young woman, with the yearnings and likes of a little girl,

Play, joy, exploring wildly deep in my heart,

But I have never felt a connection with fellow people of the same age,

Their sunlight casting shadows on mine,

Death on my mind, the irrevocability of time weighing on my existence,

Whereas others ignore the inevitable entropy coming for their souls and their bodies.

I have the musings and insight of an old woman,

Wisdom, patience, acceptance deep in my heart,

But I have never felt a connection with fellow people of that age,

Their crepuscular cynicism shying away from my moonlight,

Unwavering optimism on my mind, the unfailing resilience of hope buoying my existence,

Whereas others didn’t know of constant negentropy

swooping in for their souls and their bodies.

I am an explorer of places charted and uncharted in the imagination,

Sweeping fantasy worlds from old tomes, and worlds from my own creations,

Of geographies that exist now, and exist no longer,

I am a tree floating without roots, in limbo from the country it was born in,

And every country it has tried to lay roots in, a twisted gift called adoption.

My identity is a complicated passport with no entries or exits,

Except for those in my mind.    

I am homesick always for feelings of belonging  and explorations that were denied to me,

For my place of birth, in Venezuela,

For the place I grew up, in rural America, but where lies and treachery from adopted parents obscured my life,

Lies about what happened to my biological parents, lies about who I am.

I have hiraeth for a past I will never experience,

A past I wish had had unconditional love, warmth and security—    

What could have been after the gift of being given life, then abandoned.

I am a connoisseur of cherished memories  now spurned,    

Of geographies within that exist now and exist no longer.    

I am an adventurer yearning to expand the boundaries of my soul,

To live and experience all the what-ifs, to compensate for all the lost what-has-beens.

Every land, every city, every landmark    

Is an achievement to hold onto, a new memory to create,

A new place to fold a part of me into something else,

Something new and glorious, exotic and beautiful,

Shedding identities on and off through globetrotting,

Until those memories become lost in the ever-expanding universe of my psyche,

Floating as little stars in the bottomless mantle of my journey,

Taking hold in the wide emptiness of the cosmos, creating a network of tremulous roots,

Creating at last, a foundation of iron starlight woven with the ever-fluid force of transformation and decay of creation.

I am in a never-ending flux between change and metamorphosis, into someone fluid and peaceful – a water spirit free from my anxieties, my darknesses,

And into someone dynamic and assertive-- a spirit of fire liberated from my passivity, my triggers,

Twined and betwixt all the eras of my life.